Monday, January 16, 2012

Survival Mode at its best (or worst)

Once again, as I try to deal with my mother's death, as quickly as I realize she's gone, I get that weird empty feeling that she never existed.. One reason I am blogging about this is to HELP me FEEL.. If I go about my daily businesses and the such, I don't think about it.. NOT thinking about it is NOT helping me, either..So, I decided I needed to get in touch with my emotions.. I have a feeling this is going to be a VERY "ADD" rant, so I apologize in advance.. Thats how I roll, though.. I flow constantly from one thought to the next, most times not even finishing the first thought.. lol  So here is my attempt to flow..

The feeling that I was referring to earlier really puzzled me and upset me when I first started having it.. I know for a fact my mother existed, DUH, because I wouldnt be here if she didnt.. So I am not saying she actually never existed.. This is just my verbal interpretation of  the epitome of emptiness and finality..It started the week after mama died.. I remember going to her house and it just enveloped me.. It hit me then- the last time I was in this house it was full of sadness and drama and now it was just empty..Quiet..No drama.. Like nothing had ever happened.. This is where I got the feeling that Mama never existed.. Like I said before, I knew she existed.. But this emotion overwhelmed me so much.. I havent been back to my parents house since and still dont want to visit..I know one day I will but right now I cannot even think about it.. It makes my stomach hurt and gives me a headache..

The drama I am referring to during the last week is all I could remember, particularly the last 48 hours of Mama's life here on earth..When I look back on those last few days, I cant believe I actually lived through it.. It is extremely emotionally draining and traumatic watching someone's body slowly shutting down, especially when you are close to them.. Mama used to call this "survival mode" and we were thick in it.. I am still in it.. I want to get out of it but I dont think I will get out of it until I am fully aware of my emotions and my feelings and are at peace.. It is obvious I am not at peace because my body is so out of whack.. I am more out of whack right now than I was after giving birth.. I am up 20 pounds and I feel like I am dealing with PTSD.. Sometimes I think I think too much, other times I think I dont think at all.. I am either all in or not in at all.. Survival Mode..

I spent the first few weeks after Mama's death trying to figure out WHY her body shut down the way it did.. She seemed to get worse with every passing week and then finally, the last week, she got worse on a daily basis.. We visited her on Sunday, she was walking with little assistance, Tuesday she was on the couch and was only walking with assistance, Thursday she was completely bedridden and Saturday at 6:30 AM she died.. Thursday before Mama died, I brought Whit and his friend Drew to visit her.. She was so happy to see them and kept talking to them about working on her song she wrote.. It was very sweet, almost like she wanted them to think she wasnt going anywhere.. They just agreed with her, even though they knew she was dying.. It was a very sweet thing they were doing for her.. We all did this for her.. I guess the greatest gift we could give Mama was letting her THINK we were ok with her dying, even though we werent.. It helped ease her mind.. Sadly, in doing this, I didnt realize that I was in denial.. I was trying to be strong for Mama.. I didnt even like talking about her dying.. I know I couldnt handle it then and STILL am having trouble.. It is wreaking havok on me, mentally, emotionally and physically now.. BUT, I wouldnt change it for the world.. This was one of the greatest gifts I could give my mom..

So, where do I go from here? I am unsure.. Maybe purging all of my memories and emotions will help me see it all, maybe even cry some.. I rarely cry about it.. I have had a few meltdowns but they go away almost as quickly as they come.. My poor husband thinks I am nuts.. I am, in a sense..I guess.. lol

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