Sunday, January 8, 2012

My first week of the new year and thoughts on my mom

I guess this week went ok.. I don't understand why shortened week at school ALWAYS feels like an extended one instead.. Anyone know why?? LOL I would LOVE to know.. So by Friday, I was so ready to chill out.. I LOVE my job.. I really do.. BUT, if I could be independently wealthy and NEVER have to work again, Id be one happy camper.. lol I have a sinking suspicion that Id be ALOT thinner and wouldn't need Ambien to force sleep on me every night..

I have been still kind of in DENIAL mode when it comes to my own mother's death.. It started out about the week after she died.. I had this REALLY WEIRD feeling that she never existed.. I mean, I KNEW she existed.. DUH, I wouldn't be here if she hadn't.. But, when I thought about her, I would just feel an emptiness that I couldn't explain..I guess it took the form of feeling that she never existed.. All I could see was her poor sweet little body shutting down in front of me while I sat there, completely helpless.. I sort of felt at the time like I shouldn't even be there because it felt kind of sick to me.. Her body was shutting down and I was watching her.. I realize now that she wanted us all there.. No one wants to die ALONE.. But I sort of felt like I was invading her privacy a bit.. My mother was not like me.. She didn't broadcast her life on the internet.. LOL

In typical MICHELLE fashion, I am having to put this moment to the side and deal with LIFE for a minute.. I will hopefully be back in a few to keep going through my dealing process.. Right now I have to go pick my son up from a friends house because he said, and I quote, "Can you come get me? I'm hungry and I don't wanna eat their house down." And you wonder why I have YET to deal with my mom's death.. Every time I try, LIFE interferes.. LOL

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