Sunday, January 8, 2012

Now where was I?? LOL

Before I was so RUDELY interrupted by a STARVING 15 year old, I was starting to discuss my feelings about my mother being gone... Seems like I am always being interrupted by something.. I try to deal with things but I always end up stuffing the emotions back down... I suspect that THIS is probably the main reason I am back to having my weight issues... I knew it was going to happen.. I saw it coming...

It doesn't help that I had my ovaries removed back in June, 3 months before my mom died.. As a matter of fact, my mom was there, with her cute little short hair, HELPING ME, the day of my surgery... It was June 7th... She was beginning her radiation therapy... I had no clue that her radiation was for "palliative" reasons...This basically meant that she was doing radiation now because her cancer had spread all over her body and it was only a matter of time before it would kill her but that the radiation would prolong her life a little and make her FEEL better... All I was told was that the doctors told my mom that she could live for YEARS basically fighting each occurance as it came but that she would be ok... I was an idiot for thinking this..

One reason I was an idiot is because my mother was NOT a young woman anymore.. Even though she appeared healthy, minus her hair, she was frail from all the chemo and now the radiation... Looking back now, she really didn't look as robust and healthy as I thought she did during the time.. She looked tired... I am sure I grew accustomed to this look and it became her new norm..

Another reason I was an idiot was because I didn't pay attention to all the signs that she was getting worse.. It kind of hit a passing lane on the road to her untimely death.. Cancer decided to pull a fast one on her.. It had been following pretty closely, like an annoying tailgater on Hwy 261, when coming back from Pelham High School.. Then suddenly, it sped up and rode beside my mother, teasing us with the whole " am I going to pass you or am I going to fall back behind you?"game.. I guess we were at this point in June, when I had my surgery..

My mother was such a trooper.. She was there, BY MY SIDE after my surgery bringing me ice chips.. She was basically FORCING ice chips down my throat and then trying to make me go to the bathroom.. Haha. I had no idea this was the last time my mom would be taking "care" of me.. I look back and feel so thankful that I had this special time with my mother.. Sadly, this is about the time that cancer decided to FLOOR IT and started its attempt to pass my mother and cut her off as it took over the road in front of her..


melanie said...

Michelle- You are not an idiot, my friend. I believe God protects us from "seeing' these things that seem so obvious to us now. He was protecting you so that you could enjoy your mom and have these loving, lasting moments and memories with her. I can tell by who you are and by what you've shared that she was an extremely special person. Love you, friend!

Michelle said...

Thanks Melanie.. I agree with you.. If I had seen what was coming I am sure I would have panicked..