Monday, January 16, 2012

Happiest Saddest Day ever...

Does that even make sense? I dont know.. All I can say is I am thankful I got to experience the last day my mother was alive, at the same time, I am full of anger and anxiety at the same time.. My anger is mostly from the fact that I was too young to be going through this but felt alot of guilt for ALOT of reasons.. First, there are MANY other people out there that didnt get almost 42 years with their mother's and I felt guilty for being angry.. I was also angry at cancer.. Cancer sucks.. It LITERALLY sucks life out of people.. Its horrible.. On her deathbed, my mother STILL didnt have the typical wrinkles most women her age do.. She always looked way younger than she was.. Her skin was GORGEOUS..

That day started out exactly like I figured it would.. I was worried that Mama was going to be worse that day than she was the day before.. I was right.. Daddy comfirmed it.. This is when I shared with Steve that I didnt think she would live past the weekend for sure.. I wanted the younger 2 kids to not go to school and come with us to her house but we were not SURE if she was going to die.. This is when I started feeling guilty.. I felt that everything was based upon IF Mama was dying.. I sent the boys to school but I took off and when Steve came home from work, we headed over to my parents house..

I remember feeling alot of anxiety before we got there and was VERY worried about what awaited us, once we got there.. I remember having to take a deep breath before going into the house.. I entered the house and IMMEDIATELY was hit with an odor.. I couldnt place it.. I realize later it was the smell of imminent death.. Once my mother died, the smell was gone.. Very strange.. But it is what happened..

Once I walked in and got past the smell, I found out the hospice nurse was upstairs with Mama and was changing her clothes and checking her vitals.. She met with me and Daddy afterwards and broke down while telling us that she felt that Mama was probably not going to make it through the weekend.. Her body was showing signs that it was shutting down.. I dont even remember crying.. I guess I teared up and was in shock and then went into survival mode.. It was then that Steve said " Call Pelham High School and tell them to let Tyler and Todd leave".. That, in itself, was a chore, as I was not there to check them out and they wouldnt allow them to leave unless someone checked them out.. THIS WAS NO TIME FOR RULES!!! Thats how I felt, atleast.. I finally found Whit and had him check them out.. He told me he had already told MawMaw bye and didnt want to come.. I totally understood.. I didnt want him scarred, like I had been, when my grandmother died.. Tyler and Todd both wanted to come see mawmaw one more time and once they were allowed to leave, they rushed over to the house..

I also had to call my sister, who was at work.. She was SO SCARED she would be at work and miss saying goodbye to Mama.. I let her know what the nurse said and she was off of work by 3 and was also at their house.. Her husband brought their children as well.. So there we all were.. Not really realizing that we were all there, about to say goodbye to Mawmaw and waiting for her to die.. But at the same time, we knew.. This is where I become very aware now that SURVIVAL MODE had taken over because we went through so many emotional moments that night.. When I look back now, I cant even fathom how awful and sad it all was.. But we DID it.. We all managed to make a few happy moments out of the most horrific day in our lives so far.. ALL of us..I will blog about those happy moments in my next entry..

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